A Letter to my Firstborn Son

Dear Gavin,

You have been a big brother for almost two months now and you are thriving in your new roll.  You are so sweet to your little brother and such a big help to mommy and daddy.  Just the other day, you were watching a show and I asked you to help me get something for your brother.  Without hesitation, you paused your show, went to get the blanket I needed and came right back.  You didn’t whine or complain, you just did what I needed you to do.  I was so impressed and proud of you.

Every day you make me proud of you.

I know that this transition has not been easy, to say the least, but you are handling it so well.  Your little brother needs me, and I know you need me too.  I can see the disappointment on your sweet face when I tell you that “I can’t right now” or “After I feed Roman”.  It breaks my heart to know that you’re feeling left out or behind or whatever is it that you’re feeling other than happiness.  I wish I could fully explain to you, and that you could fully comprehend, how much I love you and that that fact has not changed and will never change.

I pray that when you look back on these times, you don’t remember me as the frantic, scattered, stressed mommy that I feel I am.  That you don’t remember when mommy seems to constantly say that she’s frustrated.  I hope that you can look back and remember playing at bathtime, playing food truck with your monster truck, and our color scavenger hunts.  I know that sometimes (a lot of times I feel) I yell and get angry.  But I hope you remember that I apologized for getting upset and that I truly am trying to get it together.  I really am trying to find grace and peace in the stressful moments.  I hope that if you remember any of this at all, you remember that you always came up to me and said “It’s ok mommy.” or my personal favorite, ” Maybe a hug/kiss will make it better.”  I know I will remember.  You truly are my sunshine.

Sometimes I wish that I had soaked up more one on one time with you.  Instead of sitting and typing at the computer or just shear not feeling like getting on the floor and playing, I wish I had stopped and played with you just one more time.  I understand that me not constantly playing with you or entertaining you has led to you being so wonderfully independant.  You don’t need me to keep you busy and your imagination has blossomed.  But I still wish I would have stopped just one extra time.  I know that there will come a time that you may not even remember what it was like to be the only child.  You won’t remember how much one on one time we had but I will.  I cherish those memories and that special time that only you and I shared.

But now I get to learn about you in a whole new way.  I get to learn about big brother Gavin.  I get to find out who this amazing, helpful, and sweet boy is.  You have always been those things, but it’s in a new capacity now.  Watching you with your brother, how sweet you are to him when you say “It’s ok baby Roman, big brother Gavin’s here.”, melts my heart.  You still bring me just as much joy as you did before, if not more.  Each day you are growing into this amazing little person and each day I love you more and more.

I love you more than all the stars in the sky,

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